14 июня в 20:23

Подборка анекдотов #1068

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* * * * *

Зима. На окраине поля стоят два шестисотых Мерседеса, возле
них два новых русских разговаривают. Тем временем по полю к
ним навстречу мчится тройка коней, запряженных в сани.
Один другому говорит:
- Это мой сынишка на коньках катается.


* * * * *

Поздравления на радио:
- Я поздравляю мою любимую Танечку с днем рождения, желаю ей всего, всего и прошу поставить для нее песню Аркадия Укупника "Я на тебе никогда не женюсь".

* * * * *

В гpуппе начинающих паpашютистов заболел инстpуктоp. Попpосили дpугого инстpуктоpа пpовести пеpвый пpыжок. Hу, новый инстpуктоp запpыгнул в самолет, а там паpашютисты уже в снаpяжении, ветpозащитных очках, лица не pазглядишь. Поднялись в воздух, инстpуктоp видит, его подопечные пpиуныли, и, pешив поднять настpоение пеpед пеpвым пpыжком, говоpит:
- Ну что pебята ссыти, нет? А я поссу. Откpывает люк и ссыт, поваpачивается стpяхивает с концаца, застегивает шиpинку и подходит к паpашутисту. Попpавляет pемни на гpуди, спpашивает:
- Hу что, мужик? Лямки яйца не жмут, не трут, нет? Молодец! А зовут-то как? После паузы неpешительный голос:
- Hаташа...

* * * * *

- А вчера у Катьки сын родился. Всей общагой имя придумывали.
Завтра будем отчество придумывать.

* * * * *

Встретились две женщины на улице. Одна говорит:
- Ты только представь себе, соседка, моя старшая дочь сейчас работает в публичном доме! Вторая отвечает:
- Она всегда была очень общительным ребенком!

* * * * *

Старушка спрашивает у мужика, стоящего на автобусной остановке:
- Скажите, в какой автобус мне нужно садиться, чтобы попасть на кладбище?
- С неработающими тормозами.

* * * * *

Иван приходит к царю:
- Я выполнил свое обещание, вот голова дракона. А ты выполнишь свое?
- Да, вот рука принцессы...

* * * * *

Если девушка говорит: "Некогда!", это значит - "Никогда!".
Если девушка говорит: "Никогда!", это значит - "Не сейчас!".
А если девушка говорит: "Не сейчас!", это значит - "Чего ты ждешь?!!"

* * * * *

Из соображений политкорректности, государство Нигерия решено переименовать в Афроамериканция.

* * * * *

Сидит воробей на дереве, обкуреный. Подлетает к нему ворона, села рядом.
Воробей: - Там...
Ворона подрывается и улетает, через пару секунд возвращается и говорит:
- Воробей, что там?
Воробей:
- Где?

* * * * *

Зона. Камера. Вдруг открывается дверь и входит амбал.
-Голубые есть?
-.........
-Голубые я спрашиваю есть?
Все испугались, даже блатные на очко сели. Вылезает какое-то ЧМО, и говорит: "Ну я".
-Как звать?
-Люся.
-Хорошо, я Лена, будем держаться вместе!

* * * * *

Летит самолет. Пилот по громкой связи:
- Уважаемые дамы и господа, вас приветствует командир корабля. Прослушайте информацию о нашем полете. Наш полет проходит на высоте 10 тысяч метров со скоростью 900 километров в час, температура за бортом...БЛЯ...А-А-А-А!.. ЭТО ЧТО ТАКОЕ?.. НУ, ПИ...ЕЦ... В салоне гробовая тишина. Через минуту опять по радио:
- Прошу извинения у уважаемых пассажиров. Просто это наша стюардесса опрокинула на меня горячий кофе. Видели ли бы вы теперь мои белые брюки спереди... Мужик в первом ряду:
- Твои брюки, это все херня! Видел бы ты мои брюки сзади...

* * * * *

Подходит бандит(б) к девушке(д) и говорит:
(б)-Жить хочешь?
(д)-А с кем?
(б)-Деньги есть?
(д)-А сколько надо?
(б)-А ну раздевайся!
(д)-А ты?
(б)-Ну не хами я же на работе!

* * * * *

Робин Гуд убивал богатых и отдавал их бедным...

* * * * *

Сидит беременная женщина на приеме к врачу.
Очередь длинная, вот она и разговорилась с соседкой:
- Мой малыш будет похож на своего папу, француза!
Соседка удивленно отвечает:
- И у моего француз!
Дальше по очереди пронеслось:
- У моего тоже...
Женщина спрашивает у соседки:
- А француз ведь не рыжий, нет?
- Рыжий.
Женщина поднимается и идет к дверям. Соседка:
- Куда же вы?
- Морду этой сволочи бить пойду!!!
Проходит полчаса, женщина возвращается. Соседка:
- Ну что, отомстили?
- Не-а, туда очередь еще больше!

* * * * *

Как двадцатьтретьефевралякнется, так и восьмимартнется.

* * * * *

- Папа, угадай, какой поезд больше всех опаздывает?
- Какой, сынок?
- Тот, который ты обещал мне подарить еще на прошлый Новый год.

* * * * *

Едет мужик(М) на машине, смотрит голосует новый русский(НР), весь ободранный, обгоревший и с рулём от Мерса. (М) подобрал его. НР сел на пассажирское сиденье и говорит:
(НР)- Мужик, можно я порулю тут?
(М) - Ну рули... - сказал М и подумал, что НР сумасшедший какой-то. Едут молча, НР сидит со своим рулём от Мерса и "рулит". Обгоняет их Мерс по правой стороне. НР резко крутит свою баранку вправо. Водила Мерса увидев это тоже автоматически крутит руль вправо. Обгонявший Мерс летит в кувет, кувыркаясь, и в конце концов взрывается на дне кувета. НР, поворачиваясь к мужику (водиле), говорит:
- Вот так и меня полчаса назад подкололи!

* * * * *

- Люся, что-то я не вижу твоих любимых джинсов. 
- А я их выбросила. 
- Почему? 
- Я в них последнее время чувствовала себя пчелой. 
- Как это? 
- В жопе жало...

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